Another Chapter: Closed

It’s been a week… and I think now it’s time for cry baby to move on. I cried enough, ate enough and slept enough. Now no more eating (I might turn to fat-sick-looking-boy ) and no more sleeping (got loads of work ). And obviously, I need to save tears for future heart-breaks too.

Now nothing matters, not even his sorry messages. I know if I succumbed to his words, I will find myself again in same state after few months. So it will be good for us to move on. So my life’s another chapter is closed. May be some years later, I might open chapter and feel “what if“, but I will leave it for future.

And thank you all for support. Your words meant a lot to me. Thank you all

 

Wish what happened was just dream!!

In these last 4 days, many things happened. Some good, some bad of course. Where shall I begin with… let’s start with bad news:

Andy and I talked about us. We talked, we complained and I realized, may be I am running after wrong guy. We like each other, there’s no second thought on this. But sometimes only this is not enough. He has his own busy world and I don’t belong there. After much difficulty, he takes out time but my time doesn’t fit in that. I too have job, friends, studies like him, and for how long should I consider only his problem. It’s like long-distance relationship, only difference was, both of us are in same city.

I need someone who helps me with coffee after hectic day, someone who has enough time to listen to my babbles, someone I could listen to hours, someone with whom I could go to sleep feeling secured and happy, someone……..

I know all these might sound cheesy and flimsy but I am sorry, I need these. I know I care about him but I love myself most. So I told him this clearly. It was hard for me but I had to do this. (I know many of you might call me fool, but yes I am an emotional fool and I can’t help it.)

On brighter note: thanks to my friends, I had very good weekend. We went to cinema, we went to beautiful Kakani (very famous hill-station), went to observe and be part of Indra Jatra (loved it), had good gatherings and small party. They don’t know why i am so melancholic but are trying hard to cheer me up. Thank you guys!!

 

Just another post

Nowadays something is wrong with me I guess. I don’t enjoy hanging around with my friends, don’t know why.

Last Friday, my friend gave us treat for her new job. There was gossiping and jokes on, but all I did was, just eating. I showed my fake laughter and was wishing may be I should have been with Andy. He had in fact called me but since, my friend from kindergarten days had invited me, so how could I refuse her?

Speaking about this group, actually these are the only friends I have who really care about me. I used to enjoy every single moment with them, but now I think something has changed. I am not being able to figure it out.

After the party, I went to Andy’s apartment. And I was so happy to be with him, but he was busy in chatting with his friends. We didn’t talk much, I tried though to which he just replied, yes and no. So feeling pissed, I also watched the tv and went to sleep. He was at other side of the bed and I was on other side. Sleeping there I felt as if I don’t have place to stay, so he pitied me and I was there. In the morning I woke up at 8.30, became fresh and left for home. He just said goodbye. Since then he texted me twice to which I just replied in yes, no answer. I am not feeling like calling him or texting him. He too may be feeling same. If he fails to understand me, fine. Let it be. Why should I be the one to say sorry every time something goes wrong, though it might not be my fault?

But despite these, I had very good weekend. I hanged around a lot on my own, went even to zoo and Pashupatinath Temple and enjoyed the feeling of being self. I did lot of reading and watching movies. I have been reading Jhumpa Lahiri’s Unaccustomed Earth and Khalid Hosseini’s A Thousand Splendid Suns is on waiting list. I left Dan Brown’s Digital Fortress in midway through though. Felt bored with the maths and all those numeric stuffs.

I watched Rock On again. Spend the money on I don’t know what. But all I know is, now I am broke. Anyway I think I might not be spending money on parties. Our new Home Minister has ordered the closure of night life by 11 PM. And police are strictly enforcing the law. But this won’t be problem for me.

Instead I will enjoy home, reading books or watching tv.

I think this became another of my frustrating post. But can’t help it.

 

Donation Please!!

I sent a text to Andy and was waiting for his reply. No he didn’t reply back. Getting angry, I headed to have lunch. And there, in front of my boss, my SMS ringtone rang in full volume. (Have got this Transformer style tone saying: Your Smart Phone has received new text message. Would you like to read it now?)

Hearing this my boss gave me this look which was saying: today’s these young people. I gave damn to his look and hurriedly opened my cell. Damn, why I use phone lock and SMS lock. I was desperate to read Andy’s reply.
But no it wasn’t his text. It was sent by my service provider saying,

Please donate to the Koshi flood victims. If you want to donate 10, pls sms to 1410 and if 50, sms to 1450.

And I was like, wtf?

Every Tom, Dick and Harry is collecting funds saying for the flood victims. Every television channel has their own bank account asking us to donate. And when you walk on the street, many groups (mark many) come to you with that big banner asking for donation.
No I am not against donation nor against the already victimized flood victims. But what I need to transparency. Many times what happens, you donate but your donation never reaches to the needy ones. It just disappears in the way.

There’s no system to monitor the donation drive. I need transparency; my donation should be properly used. But will it happen? I doubt. I even doubt those tom, dick and harry’s donation drive. Who knows the very same donation might be spent on beer in the evening. Who knows and who cares except people like me who have donated?

As the donation drive is picking up, affected people are still in lurch. They are not getting proper food. Now diseases have started to hunt down them. Poor souls, millions are being raised for them and there, ravaged by Koshi, now they are being compelled to go sleep in open sky with no proper food and clean drinking water.

Still doubting my donation would reach to them, I donated hoping may be this time it might reach there. May be.

And Andy replied in the evening saying, Sorry! Couldn’t reply before because I was damn busy at the hospital. How are you? Good night and take care. Miss you.
And I text him back saying: No it’s all right, you don’t have to text back to my every texts. You too have sweet dreams and g’nite.

But no, am not feeling all right, I should at least get missed calls.

 

Babbles

Was having lunch with AJ (remember him? He’s my friend to whom I came out). Whenever I say something about Andy, he gave this wicked smile. And I couldn’t just pass it on. So I asked him what’s the smile is about. Then he replied back that, he’s waiting for some major news. I asked him to be specific. Smiling he said that, kissing Andy was one big news for him. Now he wonders every time I speak his name, I might divulge more info. So he gives me this smile.
I couldn’t help but smile back. What he thinks? I agree, I told him about kiss. But I am not going to tell everything
Andy is as usual very busy in his studies. Seeing him, I made promise to myself that I would never again date Resident Doctor. They always have some presentation or exams or blah blah coming. And you don’t get enough good time to spend together. Whenever I call him or text him, he replies same: I got this to study. I would love to join, but….. Miss you. (Well I can’t be so selfish. He needs to study, so I keep myself away.)

(I wonder how Kris manages time. Your are also doc, right? But still you have time for everything. Can you help me here Kris?)

And oh I forgot to tell you guys, in my high mood last Friday, I told one of my friends about Andy and me. And I never thought I would spill the bean but I did. Thank god, he also understood the issue and said that he supports me. Weird, I had always thought that he is kinda homophobic. But facing him in the morning was very embarrassing.

 

Am fine now!

After a painful day, finally i have come to my senses. How? I ate lot, slept for around 15 hours, woke up, again ate and slept. Then finally i was able to forget the whole issue. Whatever my friend said to me, i don’t care anymore.
Thanks everyone for being there and trying to help me. I have no words to express my gratitude.
To forget the whole fiasco I slept lot but forgot that i have got my last marathon exam tomorrow. Now all senses are slowly coming back. I had studied before so hopefully my misery-aftermath won’t affect my marks.
Also Andy is not around. He has got very important presentation tomorrow so didn’t feel like disturbing him. We haven’t met since saturday and Am missing him lot. His texts are the only things that’s bringing me smile in these boring days. Last night he text me at 1 AM to wish sweet dreams. Only problem was his unexpected text broke my dream of us. Wish i could meet him now, hug him tightly and stay like that!
Oh! I got back to studies.

P.S. my nephew is asking my help on drawing.

 

I got name for the guy

I have been thinking lot about naming the guy. What should i call him? After thinking for whole night, i have got one name. Hmm may be i should call him Ryan Andy. Why so? Coz he loves I love this name. Ryan Andy, that’s what i am gonna call him now onwards.

P.S. After i read your comments about Ryan Andy, let me make one thing clear. I haven’t fallen in love with him. I like being around with him. I enjoy his company, that’s for sure. I know he’s very great guy. He’s caring, charming and he READS, but still !!!

 

Bad friday turned good :)

From past few months, Friday nights were just another Friday night. Though it’s the end of the weekdays, but being associated with radio, work continues even in weekends. After all deadlines are to be met within time frame. Yesterday was just another bad Friday for me. I had to rush for taking interview, and then complete the script, make an audio report. And all was making me go wild.
At the evening, the guy called me up. He asked me whether I was free to have dinner with him and his friends, who happen to be very flamboyant and the gay. I agreed and we met, we had dinner together. His friend reminded me of Jack from Will and Grace. He was so open about his sexuality and even teasing us. I was so shocked seeing him. He was talking about the cute men, open gay jokes and all. After dinner was over, another of his friend (who also was gay) showed up. He was drunk, totally drunk. His first comment was: Why do all cute boys live in my home area. Then he kept asking me whether I was gay or dating the guy. I just laughed it off and told him to use his gaydar. And his gaydar was not functioning. (But he continued to ask me the same question again and again.)
Later we went to new club in the town which was lunched yesterday. You know marking auspicious digit 8. The party was to begin on 2008’08’08 and 8 PM onwards. The music was too loud and it was too crowded. We hanged out there till 11.00 and I wanted to go home. But the guy asked me to stay at his place. I give a thought and decided to accept the offer. Then we headed to another club called Tamas. We stayed there till 1 AM and we headed back to his place.
I had to wake up at 6.30 in the morning because I had got some very important work to finish. But you get  great feeling to wake up beside someone who cares about you.

Right??

 

Another sweet day!

Ahh whenever i thought to write something about, only one thing comes to my mind, my exam. Fuck my exam

Apart from that, today i met the guy. I was home all day and studying. He texted me to come over to see him. I decided to take some food, so i entered the restaurant and ordered momo. It took whole 15 minutes for momo and then, there was this traffic jam because of petrol crisis. We are in greatest petrol crisis of all time. Literally, there are miles of queue for getting petrol and because of the queues, jams have increased. I got stuck at jam for nearly 30 mins. So, i reached at his place nearly 1 hr later than i promised. The momo was spicy but good. And he loves spices and me?? Ohh, help me god. I can’t take it

We had great time. We talked about so many things. Watched TV. Still, as i am typing these texts, I have his smell. As sweet as it was few hours back M not feeling like having bath and getting rid of this smell.